Script

SIDE 1

Gimme back my purse! Help! Police! Somebody& !

(Enter JIMMY SMITH, a brash city slicker with an irrepressible, buoyant personality. In a moment of desperation, MILLIE trips him. JIMMY lands hard on his butt.)

Owwwwww!

(MILLIE and JIMMY start talking simultaneously.)

But my purse is gone!

(as in "What do you want me to do about it?")

And?

That man, he stole my purse! That man, he stole my purse!

Watch where you're going, why don'cha? You don't own the sidewalk, lady!

My hat, my scarf,

(indicating her bare foot)
my shoe!

They stole your shoe?

While I was wearing it. Ten minutes in this town, and I have my New York horror story.

Honey, you're my New York horror story.

(JIMMY starts to exit.)

It's every penny I have!

(JIMMY stops.)

Hey, I feel for you. Girls like you arrive here everyday, so full of dreams you may as well be sleepwalking. Well, now that you're awake, I'm curious: you got a place to stay?

No, but

Any friends or family nearby?

No, but

And you don't have a job?

No, but

No buts. You ain't got nothin'.

(This takes the wind out of MILLIE's sails. JIMMY reaches for her hand, and MILLIE recoils.)

Relax. It's my good deed for the decade.

(JIMMY removes a pen from his pocket and writes on her hand.)

Then I'd hate to see a bad one, 'cause you're really not helping.

(JIMMY shows MILLIE her palm, which she reads.)

The "Hotel Priscilla?"

A rooming house round the corner. And I can't help thinking if I were in your

(indicating MILLIE's footwear predicament)
shoe, I'd check myself in, get a good night's sleep, then first thing tomorrow, wire home for train fare. Your folks will be only too glad to send it, and you may not believe me now, but once you return to Keokuck or Gopherville

(defiantly)
Salina, Kansas. And who are you, the unwelcome wagon?

That's me, so go home, country mouse. 'Cause when you get there, you'll say to yourself,

(an exaggerated imitation of a hick)
"Well, I had my big adventure, but it sure is good to be back in my own bed."

(JIMMY exits, leaving MILLIE alone and dispirited.)

SIDE 2

Excuse me, I'd like to inquire after the room for rent.

Trust me, you don't want to stay here. The manager's mean, the rooms are hot, and the water always cold.

Perfect.

(ushers MISS DOROTHY to the door; very sarcastic)

Look, there's one room available, and it's mine. So unless you want a roommate

With all my heart!

I was kidding! Although, you need the room; I need the rent. It's a single bed&

I'll take the floor!

What's your angle, sister? You want the low life, but I see the Ritz written all over you.

Then help me be rewritten. I'm here to learn how the other half lives!

And I'm here to tell you, not very well.

But you have friends, don't you? Soul mates. Not fourteen karat phonies who only like you for your money.

So you take my half and I'll take yours: Saks Fifth Avenue! Bergdorf Goodman!

(An idea!)
In fact, we could be very good for each other. I'll show you how to eat on a nickel.

And I'll show you which fork to use.

I'll teach you how to stretch a dollar.

And I'll teach you how to invest one.

I'm on the way up!

I'm on the way down!

It's a good thing we met in the middle!

My very first poor person!

(her feathers ruffled)
Hey, I'm broke, not poor.

There's a difference?

And how! Poor sounds permanent, broke can be fixed. I have a plan so far ahead of its time, it's almost too bold, too daring, too new woman: I'm going to marry my boss!

When?

I don't know. I haven't got one yet!

Surely you believe that love

Has nothing to do with it! Don't you read Vogue? This month's issue clearly states that modern marriage is a business arrangement. Love comes later, occasionally with the man you're actually married to.

Where will you find him?

The classifieds. I've been interviewing boss after boss, but so far, married, married, engaged, married, single and-I-can-see-why

Don't you read the tabloids?

(removes a newspaper from her purse and shows it to MILLIE)
"Manhattan's Most Eligible Bachelors!" All of whom need wives&

And one of whom must need a stenog!

SIDE 3

(Side-by-side jail cells, MILLIE and WOMEN in one cell, and JIMMY and MEN in the other.)

Psst, Kansas. Don't be scared.

(puts on a brave front)
Who says I'm scared?

(obviously scared)
How long you think they'll keep us?

Overnight. Unless you got a hairpin. I've a knack for breaking and entering.

Misspent youth?

Eighteen years on Long Island. If that ain't misspent, I don't know what is.

It's closer than Kansas.

Hey, when you're stuck on the other side, the East River's wide as an ocean.

MILLIE

I hope you re serious about that hairpin. I ve got to be at work in a few hours.

JIMMY

What do you do?

MILLIE

Stenog. For now. You?

JIMMY

Depends. When I want to see a show, I m an usher for a night. When the Yankees play at home, it s  Popcorn! Peanuts! Cracker Jack! And when the open seas are calling& well, the Circle Line s always in need of a knowledgeable guide.

MILLIE

And you make a living?

JIMMY

I make a life. It sure beats sitting at a desk eight hours a day, fretting over the price of steel.

MILLIE

Steel?

(JIMMY revealed more than he intended. He quickly covers.)

JIMMY

My old job. Steel& equipment for offices.

MILLIE

(she almost feels sorry for him)

Oh. Paper clips, like.

JIMMY

Yep. Paper clips like.

MILLIE

I d never pegged you for a paper clip man. Bootleg gin, maybe. Or ladies lingerie.

JIMMY

(his version of an apology)

I thought you pegged me for a jerk.

MILLIE

I did. But I still think you deserve better than paper clips.

JIMMY

So do you.

MILLIE

How do you like that? We have something in common.

JIMMY

Can I ask you a personal question?

MILLIE

What?

JIMMY

Your name?

MILLIE

Millie Dillmount.

JIMMY

Jimmy Smith.

ENSEMBLE WOMAN

Put a sock in it, why don t you.

ENSEMBLE MAN

How s a bum supposed to enjoy the free bed with you two yapping all night?

MILLIE

(whispered to JIMMY)

Goodnight.

JIMMY

Goodnight, Millie Dillmount.

(The lights dim in MILLIE s cell as she closes her eyes. JIMMY paces, then sits and watches MILLIE. JIMMY sings.)

SIDE 4

(A New York City Street, early the next morning. MILLIE enters, immediately followed by JIMMY.)

JIMMY

Hey Millie, wait up. Wanna grab a cup of coffee?

MILLIE

I can t. I barely have time to swing by the Priscilla, change, then run to the office.

JIMMY

A quick cup of joe.

MILLIE

I m new on the job, so I doubt they ll overlook my being late.

JIMMY

They will if they know what s good for them. They re lucky to have you, Millie Dillmount.

MILLIE

(means a lot, coming from Mr.  You ain t got nothin  )

Thank you. And may I say, Jimmy Smith, the Circle Line s lucky to have you. You re not so hot with new arrivals, but underneath it all, I ve a hunch you re a really great

(Stretching the vowel, e.g.  guy, then over pronouncing the  d )

guide.

(MILLIE starts to exit.)

JIMMY

Say, you a Yankees fan?

MILLIE

You need help with the Cracker Jack?

JIMMY

Actually, I have tickets to this afternoon s game. Why not play hooky and we ll make a day of it!

MILLIE

No can do. You don t know my fiancé.

JIMMY

Fiancé?!

MILLIE

Boss. And fiancé. I m going to marry him.

JIMMY

Wow. Love at first sight?

MILLIE

Not for the Modern. She takes charge of her destiny. No more waiting at port for my ship to come in. I went out and found him: Trevor Graydon, the Third!

JIMMY

(his mood suddenly soured)

Sounds like a stiff.

MILLIE

(trying to convince herself as much as him)

Some would say so, but I see a side of him that few people are lucky enough to see.

JIMMY

While you re sitting on his lap?

MILLIE

I ve only been there a day!

JIMMY

(the third degree)

Has he kissed you yet?

MILLIE

(disappointed)

No.

JIMMY

Does he have a pet name for you?

MILLIE

Yes!

JIMMY

What?

MILLIE

John!

JIMMY

John? That s not very romantic.

MILLIE

But it s modern. He calls me John because I m so efficient:  Johnny-on-the-spot.

JIMMY

Sweet. Maybe you could work it into the vows:  I, Trevor, take you, John, to be my lawfully wedded stenog.

MILLIE

Well if you re going to be old-fashioned about it, I ll keep my plan to myself.

JIMMY

Hey, you want to marry a man who thinks of you as a typewriter on legs, be my guest.

MILLIE

Thank you, I will. The new woman chooses reason over romance any day of the week.

(proudly)

And I m a new woman!

JIMMY

Marrying for money s the oldest trick in the book.

MILLIE

(a real dig)

It beats marrying for paper clips.

JIMMY

Then maybe we shouldn t see each other again.

MILLIE

(rubbing GRAYDON in JIMMY s face)

What do I care? Any day now, my time will be consumed by my boss-slash-fiancé, Mr. Trevor Graydon, the Third! So fly away, butterfly boy: flower to flower to flower!

JIMMY

You got a problem with that?

MILLIE

I m merely suggesting that you grow up, skirt chaser!

JIMMY

Golddigger!

MILLIE

Womanizer!

JIMMY

Jezebel!

MILLIE

Casanova!

(MILLIE and JIMMY are nose-to-nose. JIMMY grabs MILLIE and kisses her cheek. MILLIE spontaneously responds by returning the kiss with a peck. JIMMY exits in a panic, leaving MILLIE in utter confusion.)