WHITE RABBIT

Attention, attention! Inhabitants and subjects and all other direct or indirect objects of Wonderland! Fall to your knees and tremble before Her Majestic Majesty, Her Royal Regality... yes, folks, your favorite monarch of mean and mine: the one, the only, Queen of Hearts!

(The KING OF HEARTS enters timidly.)

KING OF HEARTS

And, um, well, let's not forget the King of Hearts.

WHITE RABBIT

Oh yeah. Him, too.

(Much hubbub and shuffling of ROYAL CARDS as they fall to their knees. Like Godzilla arriving in Tokyo, the QUEEN OF HEARTS stomps onstage and turns her attention to ALICE, who curtsies in fear.)

QUEEN OF HEARTS

And just what do we have here, hmm?

ALICE

I believe you mean "whom do we have here."

CHESHIRE CAT 1, 2, 3

(to audience)

And there was much hubbub.

ROYAL CARDS

Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub!

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Silence! We speak the Queen's English here, you nameless little whelp!

ALICE

Yes, Your Loudness. I mean, Your Meanness. I mean, Your Highness! And my name is Alice.

ROYAL CARDS

(gasping)

Alice!?

ALICE

Yes, Alice. At least it was when I got here.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

That's impossible. Everyone knows Alice doesn't live here anymore!

ALICE

Okay, well... um, that works, too - because all I want to do is get out of here and find my way back home.

ROYAL CARDS

(gasping)

Her way home?!?

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Your way home?? You'll find my way home... or we'll cut off your head! You'll be who I say you are and no one else, do you understand?

ALICE

No. Nothing makes sense here!

QUEEN OF HEARTS

And don't you forget it. Now, before you go anywhere, you'll have to beat me in Wonderland's favorite pastime.

CHESHIRE CAT 3

And there was much rejoicing.

ROYAL CARDS

Yeah!